Aging

Enough already! This is getting completely ridiculous. I'm not talking about the physical side of aging- I'm getting used to that and have even started a list to share with my daughters of the first things they'll notice (first, little fine lines around your lips so your lipstick starts to run. Really!). I've decided to grow old gracefully and happily. BUT-

It's the rest of it. It's the whole "grownup" thing. People die when you're a grownup. Your children don't always do exactly what you want when you're a grownup and you just have to watch them make their own mistakes. Your own parents get older when you're a grownup. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?!

blah

Ok, to tell the truth: being 37 stinks.

"I Feel Like My Life is Living Me"

"I feel like my life is living me." - Alma on HBO's Deadwood

I heard this quote while watching television (gasp) on a weeknight (double gasp). It hit me hard. I feel just like Alma (except for the fact that I am not fictional, I do not live in the 1800's out west, and I do not have to marry one man even though I love a different, married man because I am a widow and pregnant with said married man's child). Ok, so I don't totally relate to her. But I relate to the sentiment of feeling like my life is living me.

Why do I feel that way? The sentence calls forth a sense of lack of control. But I don't lack control in my life. In fact, I finally have a teensy bit of control: my girls are older now and for the first time in 10 years I can move away if I wanted to. That's HUGE. So, I don't feel that my life is living me because I have no control.

But, after thinking about it, I got it! I started to think about what in life I want to do but haven't. What goals do I aspire to, that I have not achieved? That is my problem. All the things that I wanted to do when I was a girl, for the most part, are done. I wanted two daughters. Got 'em. I wanted to travel. Done that. I wanted to be married- done that, too. Financial independence? Well, I don't rely on a husband to take care of me, so I've got that. A big bookshelf with all sorts of fun books on it? Got that, too!

One thing that I have wanted to do in recent years which has gone by the wayside is the Peace Corp, but that's not practical. So, I have to start thinking of some fun new goals. Things to look forward to. Things I can control and do, so that my life does not continue to live me.

Being 37 In The Fall

I don't have to carve pumpkins any more, as my girls are grown.

That sentence encompasses my current life phase. I am no longer so busy with the day-to-day tasks of parenting. Morgan has moved out and is in college, and Ashley is a senior. Because Ash has a car and can get herself where she needs to go, for the first time in my adult life I find that I have extra time on my hands on a daily basis. I don't have to cook (well, I never actually cooked much, but I did think about what frozen concoction we should have for dinner), I can stay late at work or go to the gym in the evening without feeling that I need to rush home. I'm thinking of picking up a hobby!

Peace

I suddenly feel a strange sense of peace. Not all the time, mind you, but peace is the overall pervasive feeling in my life right now. Maybe I'm accepting things the way they are--of course I have the usual desire to change the negative, but I'm suddenly seeing that certain things can't be changed, and certain things will change when the time is right.

I'm happy.

Updates: 37 and 4 Months

A few updates now that I am 37 and 4 months:  

Osteoporosis  

At the ripe old age of 37 I am on daily injections for osteoporosis (for those of you who are about to say "see, I told you to stop being a vegetarian!" it is from a past medical condition and not from my previous vegan and current octo-lavo vegetarian diet.:) and they seem to be working.  I have been officially cleared to (finally!) start back at the gym and I have learned that 1) I am way out of shape, and 2) it is going to take a way long time to get back into shape!  But the good news is that I am back to my old ways of kickboxing and step aerobics, even if I am a bit slow and sore three times per week.  (I thought about pretending to the other class members who did not quit for two years that I had a baby and that's why I stopped going, but I figured at some point I'd have to produce an actual baby, and wasn't sure how to go about that since I do not, in fact, have any babies anymore...)

Mama Mia!

I saw Mama Mia!, the movie, with my friend Erin a few weeks ago.  Um...why didn't anyone ever tell me that many of Erasure's songs were actually Abba covers?  I have known Abba's songs all of this time!  Needless to say I got a kick out of the movie, immediately bought the sound track, and am now seeing the play where, I hear, the actors encourage singing and dancing from audience members.

Turning 38

It's official- I don't care about turning 38.  It really is all about the 7's.  Isn't that strange?  Beware of the 7's!    

That's all for now...more updates soon!  

What Being 37 Means

I think being 37 means being tired.

It also means giving away your cutest bikinis to your teenaged daughters because they are too "young" for you now.

I think being 37 means being more calm. But it also means staying out later on weeknights in the summer, because you know that summer is fleeting in Michigan.

Being 37, to me, means being unwilling to do things just because others want me to. But it also means that sometimes just because someone else needs or wants me to do things, I may want to.

Being 37 means noticing dark circles under my eyes and a few gray hairs now and again.

It also means not being obsessed with things like that. I'm going to grow old. Sooner rather than later. Time to accept. Thank goodness it is a slow process.

Being 37, in a nutshell, consists of doing a lot of noticing.

A Lot of Changes

I've been saddened this week by the death of two friends' parents. (Dawn, my former sister in law, lost her mother to melanoma, and another friend lost her father in law suddenly).

It's made me think how shallow it was to complain about turning 37. How many people would give anything to be 37 again, with so much of life before them? How many people want years back that they'll never have again? I'm in good health, I have two beautiful, smart, happy daughters, a great career, a beautiful home, the best siblings a girl could have, and a heck of a lot of time to do things that I like to do (reading!). I can travel if I feel like it, it is summertime in Michigan (the best time of year to be here), and I have wonderful, dear friends who are like family to me. I have the best years of my life ahead of me- just think of the things I can look forward to! Grandchildren, bike rides, the frogs coming back to the frog pond, watching my many nieces and nephews grow. I am lucky to be 37.

37 And Almost One Month

Update: I am getting used to being 37!!! There are actually some positives about my age. More on those next time.

For now, I want to share the following email I received from a friend. I didn't write it but was inspired by it. It puts aging--as a female-- in perspective.

Getting Old, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself.

I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silverAs you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.So,I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.(If I feel like it)

I'm Not Gonna Lie- It Feels Different

I won't lie to you. I feel different today than I did two days ago. Older. More willing to take risks. I suddenly feel like I'd better be the one in charge, because heaven knows if I don't take charge now, I never will. I had a work event tonight and I found myself shepherding the younger attorneys around, helping them know who to talk to, what to talk about. I took a risk with a presentation that I'm doing. I'm like, sheesh, I'm 37, who's gonna tell me that I shouldn't do it? That's right. As Johnny Cash would say, "Nobody." (Speaking of Johnny Cash, I had no idea that he sang "A Boy Named Sue" until Jazzfest. I even made a bet that it was someone else, but I couldn't think of who. I was wrong).

All you nay-sayers out there, who thought I'd feel just the same the day before I turned 37 and the day after: sorry. I don't. I really do feel different.

We'll see how it all plays out!

oh dear me!

Well, I did it- I am 37, and lest you think it would be anticlimatic- guess what- IT DOES STINK!!!! :)

Not Easier

Okay, so the "big day" is tomorrow, and no, it's not easier to turn 37 yet. By tomorrow, I would like to imagine that it will be- because it's inevitable.

I've been trying to figure out why this bday bothers me so much. Humor aside, I've concluded that it is because 37 is a grownup. When you're a grownup, your life is supposed to look a certain way. Married, children, a house, a yard, a job, money in the bank, wisdom, patience, no more insecurities, no more fighting in relationships, partway to retirement, well traveled, well read...

I just don't feel that my life is where I expected it to be. I still don't feel like a grownup.

Sounds funny, doesn't it. I have a job, a mortgage, I've single handedly raised two wonderful daughters. I'm a little wise, I've traveled enough, and boy am I well read (that's about all I do these days!):) So why don't I feel like a grownup yet? Do 70 year olds not feel like grownups yet? Is there a day when suddenly you wake up and think, ok, that's it, I'm now a grownup? Is there a day when you wake up and your relationships with your children, your sig other, your friends, your siblings, come completely easily and there are no more issues? Why is this what I expect out of my version of a grownup? Maybe I'll never get there.

I Tried It Out

Today someone asked me how old I was and I said "37" to see how it would feel. They didn't look at me like I was really old, or ask if they could assist me to my car since I looked so frail, or look around for a chair for me to sit in, so I guess it will be okay to tell people that I'm 37 for the next year, too. The closer it gets, the easier it's getting. I have this theory about songs that are "your" songs with someone you used to date, and how to get over feeling like crap every time the song comes on in the future. You listen to it a lot, over and over and over again, until you're immune to it. The first time you hear it you cry, the second time, you tear up, the seventeenth, you're just sort of sick of it. (Am I the only 37 year old with breakup advice? I sure hope not). Anyway, this relates to the birthday thing because I'll just say it every morning for the next 8 days..."I'm 37, I'm 37," and soon it won't phase me at all, right?!

Philosophical Chat

Why do you suppose that I wax philosophical about turning 37? Because I was a philosophy major in college? Because I still go to bookstores and drool over philosophy texts? (I do). My baby sister thinks I'm a nut, and maybe I am. So, here are some non-philosphical tidbits about me.

First, I have trouble sleeping without a "little (green) pillow. It used to be green. For a while it was gold. Now it is brown. It all started when I had a little girl, called Ashley, who refused to sleep through the night. As many parents know, the only way to get your little one to sleep through the night is to let them cry themselves to sleep. As only my ex-husband knows, I had real, real, real trouble listening to my babies cry themselves to sleep. Thus, the little (green) pillow. I would place said pillow over my ear while Ashley cried herself to sleep for two nights. I would recommend to all of my friends who are going through this. with their little babies..don't be home when your baby learns to cry herself to sleep. It is heart wrenching, and you may become addicted to having a little green pillow cover your ear as a result, like me.

Second, I wish I had never bought a house. A condo is so much simpler. With a house, you have to deal with lawn care, snow removal (hello, ME, and it got REALLY old this past winter), etc. It sucks.

Third, relationships (with men) are difficult to matter how old you are. There are always pros and cons. I am 37 and still have trouble making them work. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it is everyone. I have no freaking clue.

Fourth, find the things that you really like and do those. I am, personally, going to take a braille course. I already have started learning the letters (although not in a format that I "feel" them, just visualization). It is all about the dots!!!

Fifth, life is for living NOW. Not later, but NOW. If you are waiting for something...stop it. You do not know when you will die. You just don't. My friend is buried up the road from my house- it is highly hilarious that we are neighbors now, although he lives in a cemetery and I live in a house that requires snow removal and lawn care. The thing is- he told me time and time again that he would travel to Europe (which he really wanted to do) when it "worked out." Guess what. It never did, and he died in a car accident. SO LIVE YOUR LIFE NOW.

That's all.

At What Age, Wisdom?

At what age do we become wise? I keep waiting for it to happen. Maybe 37 is the year. Of course it is a gradual process, and it can't happen in a fell swoop. But I am surprised that certain life events haven't automatically made me wise. A significant loss. A death. A divorce. A health scare. Raising teenagers. Female teenagers. Sometimes cranky female teenagers. Shouldn't those things make me wise?

Maybe it's pure experience that creates wisdom. Maybe it's innate. I feel wise in certain areas, and quite unwise in others. Here's some thoughts I think are wise: a) do a good job at work but don't become fanatical. b) change the things you don't like in your life and accept the things you can't change. c) read about things that bother you, or that you need to change. There's a lot to be learned from others. d) never, never forget to swing as high as possible with your toddlers and sing twinkle twinkle little star at the top of your lungs because those memories will stay with you even when they are cranky teenagers. e) hire out lawn care and snow removal.

It's All Relative

Today I met with my mentor, Pete, who is a lawyer from another firm in town. We got to talking about getting older. He is, I would guess, about 60. He's winding down his law practice and looking forward to retiring. I told him of my fear of turning 37, and he laughed at me. He actually laughed loudly at me. Then he told me that age is relative. To him, I am a spring chicken. A youngster with a whole life ahead of me. Yet, he recalled being a teenager and thinking that he could never date someone who was 28, as that was so old to him at the time.

All this advice- but guess what. I still don't want to turn 37. Only 15 days to go. Drat.

Things I Think I Should Know

I'm turning 37. By my calculations (and with my math skills, I could be wrong) I've lived over 13,140 days. There are a few things I feel that I should know by now, either by experience or just from living so many days:

1) How to cook anything other than mashed potatoes.

2) How to rest when I know I'm getting sick rather than go-go-go and then getting REALLY sick.

3) To keep a pair of flats at work for those days when I am soooooo tired of walking around in my heels.

4) That little fights, and often big fights, blow over.

5) That it's okay to take risks and not always walk the safe path. (Peace Corp?!)

6) That my parents, and grandparents, and great-grandparents, were people EXACTLY like me at one point, at age 36-going-on-37, and they likely had the same types of worries and happiness that I have.

7) That the grass is almost never greener on the other side of the fence.

8) That life always works itself out.

Some of these things I know at age 36. Some of these things I don't. Some of them I know some of the time but not all of the time (well, I never know how to cook to tell the truth). I guess I have plenty of time to get it all down.

The Big Three-Seven

I don't like the 7's. Some of them, anyway. I don't remember 7. I do recall being 17- sucked for reasons I won't disclose on this blog (which may or may not have included getting the surprising news that I was to become a mother...). Ten years later, when turning 27, all I could think about is that I was almost 30 (turning 30 itself was a breeze in comparison!). This year, I'm going on 37. That's The Big Three-Seven. For those of you who haven't turned 37, let me give you a little tidbit of information: it kinda stinks.

Here's why:

I don't feel 37. I feel 23, tops. And the worst part is, I consider myself a young, hip 37. Sorta happenin, sorta cool. Then again, I bet my parents considered themselves hip at that age, and trust me- they weren't!

I don't want to turn 40. Yet, it is starting to look inevitable.

I like my 30s. I don't want to be done with them. The 30s are free spirited, they're fun, and I've really enjoyed them. What if something dreadful happens to make the 40s downright miserable?!

None of my baby sisters have to turn 40 yet. It may have been fun to get the first drivers' license, to get married first, and/or to go on a date first, but I don't think it's fair that I now have to be the one to turn 40 first. My big brother does have to go before any of the girls (next year) but I don't think he cares so it doesn't count.

This blog will include my thoughts, feelings, and fright at the idea of turning The Big Three-Seven. More to come!