I'm Not Gonna Lie- It Feels Different

I won't lie to you. I feel different today than I did two days ago. Older. More willing to take risks. I suddenly feel like I'd better be the one in charge, because heaven knows if I don't take charge now, I never will. I had a work event tonight and I found myself shepherding the younger attorneys around, helping them know who to talk to, what to talk about. I took a risk with a presentation that I'm doing. I'm like, sheesh, I'm 37, who's gonna tell me that I shouldn't do it? That's right. As Johnny Cash would say, "Nobody." (Speaking of Johnny Cash, I had no idea that he sang "A Boy Named Sue" until Jazzfest. I even made a bet that it was someone else, but I couldn't think of who. I was wrong).

All you nay-sayers out there, who thought I'd feel just the same the day before I turned 37 and the day after: sorry. I don't. I really do feel different.

We'll see how it all plays out!

oh dear me!

Well, I did it- I am 37, and lest you think it would be anticlimatic- guess what- IT DOES STINK!!!! :)

Not Easier

Okay, so the "big day" is tomorrow, and no, it's not easier to turn 37 yet. By tomorrow, I would like to imagine that it will be- because it's inevitable.

I've been trying to figure out why this bday bothers me so much. Humor aside, I've concluded that it is because 37 is a grownup. When you're a grownup, your life is supposed to look a certain way. Married, children, a house, a yard, a job, money in the bank, wisdom, patience, no more insecurities, no more fighting in relationships, partway to retirement, well traveled, well read...

I just don't feel that my life is where I expected it to be. I still don't feel like a grownup.

Sounds funny, doesn't it. I have a job, a mortgage, I've single handedly raised two wonderful daughters. I'm a little wise, I've traveled enough, and boy am I well read (that's about all I do these days!):) So why don't I feel like a grownup yet? Do 70 year olds not feel like grownups yet? Is there a day when suddenly you wake up and think, ok, that's it, I'm now a grownup? Is there a day when you wake up and your relationships with your children, your sig other, your friends, your siblings, come completely easily and there are no more issues? Why is this what I expect out of my version of a grownup? Maybe I'll never get there.

I Tried It Out

Today someone asked me how old I was and I said "37" to see how it would feel. They didn't look at me like I was really old, or ask if they could assist me to my car since I looked so frail, or look around for a chair for me to sit in, so I guess it will be okay to tell people that I'm 37 for the next year, too. The closer it gets, the easier it's getting. I have this theory about songs that are "your" songs with someone you used to date, and how to get over feeling like crap every time the song comes on in the future. You listen to it a lot, over and over and over again, until you're immune to it. The first time you hear it you cry, the second time, you tear up, the seventeenth, you're just sort of sick of it. (Am I the only 37 year old with breakup advice? I sure hope not). Anyway, this relates to the birthday thing because I'll just say it every morning for the next 8 days..."I'm 37, I'm 37," and soon it won't phase me at all, right?!

Philosophical Chat

Why do you suppose that I wax philosophical about turning 37? Because I was a philosophy major in college? Because I still go to bookstores and drool over philosophy texts? (I do). My baby sister thinks I'm a nut, and maybe I am. So, here are some non-philosphical tidbits about me.

First, I have trouble sleeping without a "little (green) pillow. It used to be green. For a while it was gold. Now it is brown. It all started when I had a little girl, called Ashley, who refused to sleep through the night. As many parents know, the only way to get your little one to sleep through the night is to let them cry themselves to sleep. As only my ex-husband knows, I had real, real, real trouble listening to my babies cry themselves to sleep. Thus, the little (green) pillow. I would place said pillow over my ear while Ashley cried herself to sleep for two nights. I would recommend to all of my friends who are going through this. with their little babies..don't be home when your baby learns to cry herself to sleep. It is heart wrenching, and you may become addicted to having a little green pillow cover your ear as a result, like me.

Second, I wish I had never bought a house. A condo is so much simpler. With a house, you have to deal with lawn care, snow removal (hello, ME, and it got REALLY old this past winter), etc. It sucks.

Third, relationships (with men) are difficult to matter how old you are. There are always pros and cons. I am 37 and still have trouble making them work. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it is everyone. I have no freaking clue.

Fourth, find the things that you really like and do those. I am, personally, going to take a braille course. I already have started learning the letters (although not in a format that I "feel" them, just visualization). It is all about the dots!!!

Fifth, life is for living NOW. Not later, but NOW. If you are waiting for something...stop it. You do not know when you will die. You just don't. My friend is buried up the road from my house- it is highly hilarious that we are neighbors now, although he lives in a cemetery and I live in a house that requires snow removal and lawn care. The thing is- he told me time and time again that he would travel to Europe (which he really wanted to do) when it "worked out." Guess what. It never did, and he died in a car accident. SO LIVE YOUR LIFE NOW.

That's all.

At What Age, Wisdom?

At what age do we become wise? I keep waiting for it to happen. Maybe 37 is the year. Of course it is a gradual process, and it can't happen in a fell swoop. But I am surprised that certain life events haven't automatically made me wise. A significant loss. A death. A divorce. A health scare. Raising teenagers. Female teenagers. Sometimes cranky female teenagers. Shouldn't those things make me wise?

Maybe it's pure experience that creates wisdom. Maybe it's innate. I feel wise in certain areas, and quite unwise in others. Here's some thoughts I think are wise: a) do a good job at work but don't become fanatical. b) change the things you don't like in your life and accept the things you can't change. c) read about things that bother you, or that you need to change. There's a lot to be learned from others. d) never, never forget to swing as high as possible with your toddlers and sing twinkle twinkle little star at the top of your lungs because those memories will stay with you even when they are cranky teenagers. e) hire out lawn care and snow removal.

It's All Relative

Today I met with my mentor, Pete, who is a lawyer from another firm in town. We got to talking about getting older. He is, I would guess, about 60. He's winding down his law practice and looking forward to retiring. I told him of my fear of turning 37, and he laughed at me. He actually laughed loudly at me. Then he told me that age is relative. To him, I am a spring chicken. A youngster with a whole life ahead of me. Yet, he recalled being a teenager and thinking that he could never date someone who was 28, as that was so old to him at the time.

All this advice- but guess what. I still don't want to turn 37. Only 15 days to go. Drat.

Things I Think I Should Know

I'm turning 37. By my calculations (and with my math skills, I could be wrong) I've lived over 13,140 days. There are a few things I feel that I should know by now, either by experience or just from living so many days:

1) How to cook anything other than mashed potatoes.

2) How to rest when I know I'm getting sick rather than go-go-go and then getting REALLY sick.

3) To keep a pair of flats at work for those days when I am soooooo tired of walking around in my heels.

4) That little fights, and often big fights, blow over.

5) That it's okay to take risks and not always walk the safe path. (Peace Corp?!)

6) That my parents, and grandparents, and great-grandparents, were people EXACTLY like me at one point, at age 36-going-on-37, and they likely had the same types of worries and happiness that I have.

7) That the grass is almost never greener on the other side of the fence.

8) That life always works itself out.

Some of these things I know at age 36. Some of these things I don't. Some of them I know some of the time but not all of the time (well, I never know how to cook to tell the truth). I guess I have plenty of time to get it all down.

The Big Three-Seven

I don't like the 7's. Some of them, anyway. I don't remember 7. I do recall being 17- sucked for reasons I won't disclose on this blog (which may or may not have included getting the surprising news that I was to become a mother...). Ten years later, when turning 27, all I could think about is that I was almost 30 (turning 30 itself was a breeze in comparison!). This year, I'm going on 37. That's The Big Three-Seven. For those of you who haven't turned 37, let me give you a little tidbit of information: it kinda stinks.

Here's why:

I don't feel 37. I feel 23, tops. And the worst part is, I consider myself a young, hip 37. Sorta happenin, sorta cool. Then again, I bet my parents considered themselves hip at that age, and trust me- they weren't!

I don't want to turn 40. Yet, it is starting to look inevitable.

I like my 30s. I don't want to be done with them. The 30s are free spirited, they're fun, and I've really enjoyed them. What if something dreadful happens to make the 40s downright miserable?!

None of my baby sisters have to turn 40 yet. It may have been fun to get the first drivers' license, to get married first, and/or to go on a date first, but I don't think it's fair that I now have to be the one to turn 40 first. My big brother does have to go before any of the girls (next year) but I don't think he cares so it doesn't count.

This blog will include my thoughts, feelings, and fright at the idea of turning The Big Three-Seven. More to come!