Fear

I keep waking up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and I find myself doing strange things. Like baking. Making a grocery list. Organizing a closet. For those who know me- I'm no baker. Or cook. (I am, however, an excellent closet organizer).

The last time I remember doing these middle-of-the-night activities is when I was studying for the bar exam in Michigan, no job in sight, kids to support, and fearing failure.

Now, I'm moving to California, getting married, and...you guessed it...taking another bar exam.

I'm scared.

The only benefit I see from all of this fear is those who get to eat my baking, my cooking, and see my nice clean closets.

A Time of Change

2010-2011 is a time of change.

• I am moving.


• I am becoming a student again and taking a new bar exam.


• I am leaving a law firm that I love.


• I am getting married.


• I am leaving my friends and chickens behind (at least for a time).

At times, all of this change is scary. At other times, it is exciting. In any case, change is coming!

On Births, Parties, and Late Nights Alone

My daughter turned 21 last weekend. We planned a party, and, as usual, I went a little overboard- you know, flowers, too many snacks- the sort of thing that only the party host notices. The party was SO much fun, and about 1 a.m. we dropped the new "adult" and her friends off in East Lansing to finish their night without Mom.

I walked in to the dark house - what a mess!- and sat on the sofa. Alone. I had placed baby photos around for the party, and I started remembering the day that Morgan was born...almost exactly 21 years earlier to the hour (Morg was born at 3:11 a.m.). I started to feel very lonely. I stared at the flowers that I had arranged two nights before (more because I like them than because they were a necessary party decor), and my heart began to sink. I tried calling a friend, but he did not pick up. Tears came to my eyes as I realized how alone I am sometimes...how alone we all feel in the world sometimes...especially when it comes to the wee hours of the morning, after the party ends.

Then Morgan called. Almost exactly 21 years to the minute since she was born, she called to tell me thank you for making her birthday so special. Her call meant the world to me, and it reminded me that even when we feel alone, people who love us are only a phone call away.

Re-Do

Have you ever looked back at your day and determined that you could (should) have done about 30 things differently? From the way you handled a meeting, to the tone of an email, to the tone of being a mom? That's me today. I'd like a re-do.

Faith

Life can be crystal clear at 2 a.m. Sometimes, in the early morning hours, far away from home, one remembers that the only way to control the future is to let go and to have a little faith.

The Big Three-Nine

I turned 39 years old today, and it is only fitting that I post to this blog, which I started two years ago when I feared turning 37. This birthday was so much easier than 37. I just don't do well with those 7's!

Today was a perfect day. I spent time with my chickens, saw some old friends (nevermind that they are on tv/movies and are not actually my friends...), enjoyed a very long liesurely bike ride, and did some shopping.

I am content.

The Rocking Chair

An empty rocking chair sits in my room. It is an antique- not at all my usual decor- but I have rocked in it for many years while visiting at my friend Lisa's house. When Lisa and her family recently moved, the rocking chair came to live with me. I think it likes it here. It hasn't complained.

Anxiety and Me

I'm anxious today. I don't like it, and would love tips from the rest of you on how to stop feeling it. Argh!

Fun Traditions

At the end of this month I will head to New Orleans to attend Jazzfest, a multi-stage music festival, for the third consecutive year. I can't wait. I look forward to the event not because I love music (which I do), and not because New Orleans is much warmer than home (which it is). Instead, I look forward to having full days listening to music and sitting in the sun with good friends. Friends are the key. I love the idea of an annual tradition that brings together folks from all over the country who don't have time to regularly schedule visits, and I'm glad that the folks who have been doing this for many more years than I said "the more the merrier!" a few years back and invited an interloper. I can't wait for the fun this year!

The Sea

There is a certain melancholy to the sea. Yet at the same time, a joy. This past week I did a fair bit of staring at the ocean, thinking about the way that the vast amount of saltwater seems from afar so soft, cozy, almost inviting. The waves seem soft and kind. But when I am immersed and can no longer touch bottom, instead of calm, I feel panic and worry that the sea could swallow me. I stay safely close to shore.

Metaphor for my life?

Cinderella and Her Happy Ending

When I was small, I read a hardcover Disney-version Cinderella book so many times the edges frayed. I loved the book not because of the "happily ever after" ending, but because I just l-o-v-e-d the dress that Cinderella wore to the ball! I can't remember, as a child, believing in romantic fairy tale endings, nor do I tend to believe in them now. Even when I see them as a grown up (Jamee and Andres!), I still don't believe.

What I do believe in these days is the concept of a relationship as a partnership. I believe in relationships where each partner takes turns giving, taking, and at the end of the day no one is happy 100 percent of the time (like Cinderella and her prince), but no one is unhappy 100 percent of the time. I admire those couples in my life who seem to be able to accomplish this type of partnership, and when I see it, I ask how it is done. This is what I aspire to. I don't need happily-ever-after; I want and need something much more simple: a partner.

Maybe that is the real happily-ever-after.

Me

When my girls were much younger, I started a book for them. It was a "fill in the blanks" sort of book that I picked up somewhere, with questions like "what is your favorite song," "what toys did you like as a child" and such. I filled it all out and it is lovely- it contains silly facts about me that I would want my girls to know if I were no longer around for them to ask.

In fact, lately I've been thinking a lot about that sort of thing. I don't know what my grandmother's favorite color was. Or how my grandfather felt when he learned that WWII was over. I want my children to know silly facts about me, like knowing that one of my favorite, happiest random events is when I see a flock of black starlings. No matter when or where I see them, I go back in my mind to a fall day, walking in a Utah field at sunset, and I feel peace. I want my girls to know that one of my all time favorite songs is Ask by the Smiths, but over the past years the songs I related to most were Driftwood by Travis and Broken Girl by She Wants Revenge. I want my chickens to know that each and every day when I drive through the farms at Michigan State University to go to work I am grateful to live in a place that allows a "country drive" in the city.

I want them to know that I saw Rent in New York City several times before actually seeing the second half and I refused to let anyone tell me the ending until I saw it in person. That I love my natural hair color and am scared for the day it will gray and I have to decide whether to dye it or grow old gracefully. That when I am upset I get in my car and drive, music on, just like I remember my mother doing as a child. That I did not realize how lucky I am to have so many siblings until I grew up. That I was too afraid to stay at Aunt Grace's house as a child because she had a bear head hanging on the wall right above the bunk bed and I had to sleep on the top bunk. That my favorite color was always, and still is, red. That I used to have to pretend to be an actress (Ashley Judd, to be specific, back in the day) playing a lawyer when I went to court and sometimes still, if I am nervous, I play that game.

I am terribly, terribly sentimental, aren't I.

New Things

This is the year to try new things. Believe it or not, I've never gone to the auto show here in Detroit. To be fair, the idea of going downton on a Sunday, fighting crowds, wandering in the cold- all to see cars just really wasn't appealing. However, tonight I'll be heading down to the charity preview. I'll let inquiring minds know what I think of it!

Today

I miss my mom today.

I actually miss my mom a lot of days, but just now - while in my office - for some reason it hit me that by living so far away from home for the past thirteen years, I've missed a lot of important time with my mom. I've missed important time with my entire family, actually. I don't get to attend school concerts, birthday lunches, soccer games, births, baptisms, and the like unless I make a special trip. And I never, never thought I would say this (as in, never....), but I am sort of tired of traveling right now. It's exhausting. Maybe I'm just getting old...

What was life like, years ago, when families lived their entire lives near each other? Or worse, when families would travel west (for example) and have unreliable U.S. post as the only method of communication? We are so lucky to have telephone, e-mail, regular mail, skype...you name it, there is an instant method of communication so that we can stay in touch with loved ones far and near (Morgan and I often skype, and she lives about fifteen minutes from home).

Maybe I'll plan a trip home.

I'm Thirty-Eight

I am thirty-eight years old, yet at times I still feel seventeen. Not just sometimes- a LOT of the time. At least, when it comes to certain situations. Maybe we don't really change that much as adults.

Or, do you suppose that life has ways to make us grow and learn, which is what makes us feel older? Ugh, I do not know...

Life Moves Fast...

Life moves fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you may miss it. Or something like that (says Ferris Bueller).



I've had a very interesting, if somewhat confusing, weekend. In my last post, I noted that I was a "go from the gut" kind of girl, but that lately I've learned that using my head may be the way forward. Turns out, though, I don't do such a good job of relying on my intellect in making decisions. My intuition is far more important to my decision-making process.



So, for now, I'll keep being who I am: I'll go with my gut. Which means that I will continue to take Ferris Bueller's advice, and stop to look around at life every once in a while for fear I may miss it.

Life Decisions

Here I am, 38 years old, and I am still stymied by certain decisions. I have grown so used to "going from the gut" without a lot of rational thought, that I can't seem to reconcile rational thought vs. instinct. How to balance the two? Do I just return to my former trusting-of-the-gut, or do I rely on my head?

Stay tuned.