The Hardest Hour in Recent Memory

At 6 p.m. on Friday, May 13, 2011, results of the California bar exam were posted on the state bar website. I'd taken the February exam, felt I did very poorly, and had been anxious and worried about it since the moment I walked out of the examination room. (This picture was taken the night before the exam started. You can tell it was not after the first day of the exam since I had an actual smile on my face instead of a look of utter panic).

My anxiety mounted as May 13 approached. The morning that results were posted, I vowed to keep myself busy and mentally occupied so that I did not have time to think about results. Instead, I ended up getting nothing done, and driving up and down the same street three times before giving up and going home. The hour before results were posted, I sat at my screen and refreshed the state bar website every single minute, watching the little countdown "sixteen minutes until results are posted." My sister-in-law, Sue, counted down with me and kept me relatively sane for that hour. Greg was stuck in court and could not be with me at the pivotal moment, when I went online and look at my results. I don't even remember exactly what they said, but because they were an entire sentence long; i.e., "this person's name appears on the examination pass list" I was sure that I did not pass- I figured if I had passed, it would read "PASSED." Only after re-reading the sentence several times did I realize I had passed, and even then I did not believe it until Sue logged onto the website as me and agreed that I had, in fact, passed.

Whew. What a relief to have that done and over with!! Now, on to bigger and better things...like getting married!

Bar Exam Blues

Bar exam results come out this Friday. Friday, May 13, that is. Do you suppose that means I will have good luck? I learned that the California Bar Examiners posted the questions from my February exam... should probably not have looked at them. I only have a vague recall of what I put for an answer on each of the questions anyway, so looking at them again simply made me feel worse about my performance rather than more confident.

The whole world will know if I passed, because they will all hear my scream of happiness! If I don't, I may be quiet for a while, before I regroup and move forward. At least I know one thing- I always do regroup and move forward. Sometimes it just takes a bit of down time first.

On Transitions, Kitchens, and Making A New Life

I've lived in California for almost four months. (I shouldn't count the first two months, which consisted of staying inside and studying for the bar exam. Results [gulp ... I'm not confident about my performance on this exam- its been a lot of years since I've had to take an exam!- and I think it would really stink to have to retake this exam ... gulp gulp gulp] come out on Friday the 13th. Gulp again). It has been a much bigger transition than I imagined. I'm still adjusting. I miss my chickens. I miss my friends, my job, my home. I miss having a life of my own. I miss knowing how to find a local Target without ending up on a never-ending bridge and paying a toll to get back across said bridge.

I'll be home for a visit soon.

A Sorry Little Student

In college and law school, I was generally a "B" student. I was pretty darned happy with my Bs, since I had two small children and didn't have (or take) much time to study. Yet, then and now I have had this back-of-my-mind guilt; a feeling that if I had tried a little harder, I'd have had straight As.

Fast forward about fifteen years. I've moved to California, given up my job (in a state that I am already licensed to practice law), and am sitting for the California bar exam. Turns out, I'd give an elbow for some guaranteed Bs right now. I have exactly no (let me repeat, "no") memory of the basic legal concepts I learned so long ago (or, more accurately, the basics are so inherent in my head now that I cannot explain "why" I know, for example, that evidence will be excluded- I just know it will. And this exam is all essays. In which I have to remember to explain those basics or I fail. As exhibited by the number of practice tests I've failed). I'm taking a bar review course with recent graduates- and it's kicking my tail. Because I haven't seen much of the material in so many years, I feel like I am cramming for a final exam to cover three years of school in six weeks.

I've no more mental energy. Which is a shame, since my big exam is exactly a week away. I'm exhausted, I don't feel well, I'm not feeling strong even in areas I regularly practiced (such as the rules of evidence), and if I see a single other California distinction, I may actually scream.

Loudly.

Settling In

I'm living in California now. It's been 19 days. Here's how one knows that Kirsten lives somewhere:

(You can't see the whole thing in the picture and I have another level of shelving on the way...I have a lot of books waiting to live in their new home still!). I've been studying for the California bar exam and really have not liked it much. Today, I decided to notice things that I DO like about studying for the exam. Here they are:

1. It's nice to be out the door with hardly any fuss. Jeans, tshirts, a little mascara. I'll just start twisting my hair the moment I start concentrating anyway, so why bother prettifying it?
2. I can mix up my study spots. The Belmont library, the office at home, the bed... today I realized on a sunny day, I can even study outside in January here!
3. The mints they leave on the tables at the hotel where the bar review course is held are tasty.
4. I don't get unexpected "emergency" calls that have to be dealt with pronto at work.
5. If I pass this thing, I'll feel pretty smart.

Looking at the positives is way better than stressing out and hating the process! Since I have to do it anyway, I'll look for positives each day. Wish me luck!