Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
"I Feel Like My Life is Living Me"
"I feel like my life is living me." - Alma on HBO's Deadwood
I heard this quote while watching television (gasp) on a weeknight (double gasp). It hit me hard. I feel just like Alma (except for the fact that I am not fictional, I do not live in the 1800's out west, and I do not have to marry one man even though I love a different, married man because I am a widow and pregnant with said married man's child). Ok, so I don't totally relate to her. But I relate to the sentiment of feeling like my life is living me.
Why do I feel that way? The sentence calls forth a sense of lack of control. But I don't lack control in my life. In fact, I finally have a teensy bit of control: my girls are older now and for the first time in 10 years I can move away if I wanted to. That's HUGE. So, I don't feel that my life is living me because I have no control.
But, after thinking about it, I got it! I started to think about what in life I want to do but haven't. What goals do I aspire to, that I have not achieved? That is my problem. All the things that I wanted to do when I was a girl, for the most part, are done. I wanted two daughters. Got 'em. I wanted to travel. Done that. I wanted to be married- done that, too. Financial independence? Well, I don't rely on a husband to take care of me, so I've got that. A big bookshelf with all sorts of fun books on it? Got that, too!
One thing that I have wanted to do in recent years which has gone by the wayside is the Peace Corp, but that's not practical. So, I have to start thinking of some fun new goals. Things to look forward to. Things I can control and do, so that my life does not continue to live me.
I heard this quote while watching television (gasp) on a weeknight (double gasp). It hit me hard. I feel just like Alma (except for the fact that I am not fictional, I do not live in the 1800's out west, and I do not have to marry one man even though I love a different, married man because I am a widow and pregnant with said married man's child). Ok, so I don't totally relate to her. But I relate to the sentiment of feeling like my life is living me.
Why do I feel that way? The sentence calls forth a sense of lack of control. But I don't lack control in my life. In fact, I finally have a teensy bit of control: my girls are older now and for the first time in 10 years I can move away if I wanted to. That's HUGE. So, I don't feel that my life is living me because I have no control.
But, after thinking about it, I got it! I started to think about what in life I want to do but haven't. What goals do I aspire to, that I have not achieved? That is my problem. All the things that I wanted to do when I was a girl, for the most part, are done. I wanted two daughters. Got 'em. I wanted to travel. Done that. I wanted to be married- done that, too. Financial independence? Well, I don't rely on a husband to take care of me, so I've got that. A big bookshelf with all sorts of fun books on it? Got that, too!
One thing that I have wanted to do in recent years which has gone by the wayside is the Peace Corp, but that's not practical. So, I have to start thinking of some fun new goals. Things to look forward to. Things I can control and do, so that my life does not continue to live me.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Being 37 In The Fall
I don't have to carve pumpkins any more, as my girls are grown.
That sentence encompasses my current life phase. I am no longer so busy with the day-to-day tasks of parenting. Morgan has moved out and is in college, and Ashley is a senior. Because Ash has a car and can get herself where she needs to go, for the first time in my adult life I find that I have extra time on my hands on a daily basis. I don't have to cook (well, I never actually cooked much, but I did think about what frozen concoction we should have for dinner), I can stay late at work or go to the gym in the evening without feeling that I need to rush home. I'm thinking of picking up a hobby!
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