What Being 37 Means

I think being 37 means being tired.

It also means giving away your cutest bikinis to your teenaged daughters because they are too "young" for you now.

I think being 37 means being more calm. But it also means staying out later on weeknights in the summer, because you know that summer is fleeting in Michigan.

Being 37, to me, means being unwilling to do things just because others want me to. But it also means that sometimes just because someone else needs or wants me to do things, I may want to.

Being 37 means noticing dark circles under my eyes and a few gray hairs now and again.

It also means not being obsessed with things like that. I'm going to grow old. Sooner rather than later. Time to accept. Thank goodness it is a slow process.

Being 37, in a nutshell, consists of doing a lot of noticing.

A Lot of Changes

I've been saddened this week by the death of two friends' parents. (Dawn, my former sister in law, lost her mother to melanoma, and another friend lost her father in law suddenly).

It's made me think how shallow it was to complain about turning 37. How many people would give anything to be 37 again, with so much of life before them? How many people want years back that they'll never have again? I'm in good health, I have two beautiful, smart, happy daughters, a great career, a beautiful home, the best siblings a girl could have, and a heck of a lot of time to do things that I like to do (reading!). I can travel if I feel like it, it is summertime in Michigan (the best time of year to be here), and I have wonderful, dear friends who are like family to me. I have the best years of my life ahead of me- just think of the things I can look forward to! Grandchildren, bike rides, the frogs coming back to the frog pond, watching my many nieces and nephews grow. I am lucky to be 37.

37 And Almost One Month

Update: I am getting used to being 37!!! There are actually some positives about my age. More on those next time.

For now, I want to share the following email I received from a friend. I didn't write it but was inspired by it. It puts aging--as a female-- in perspective.

Getting Old, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself.

I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silverAs you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.So,I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.(If I feel like it)

I'm Not Gonna Lie- It Feels Different

I won't lie to you. I feel different today than I did two days ago. Older. More willing to take risks. I suddenly feel like I'd better be the one in charge, because heaven knows if I don't take charge now, I never will. I had a work event tonight and I found myself shepherding the younger attorneys around, helping them know who to talk to, what to talk about. I took a risk with a presentation that I'm doing. I'm like, sheesh, I'm 37, who's gonna tell me that I shouldn't do it? That's right. As Johnny Cash would say, "Nobody." (Speaking of Johnny Cash, I had no idea that he sang "A Boy Named Sue" until Jazzfest. I even made a bet that it was someone else, but I couldn't think of who. I was wrong).

All you nay-sayers out there, who thought I'd feel just the same the day before I turned 37 and the day after: sorry. I don't. I really do feel different.

We'll see how it all plays out!

oh dear me!

Well, I did it- I am 37, and lest you think it would be anticlimatic- guess what- IT DOES STINK!!!! :)

Not Easier

Okay, so the "big day" is tomorrow, and no, it's not easier to turn 37 yet. By tomorrow, I would like to imagine that it will be- because it's inevitable.

I've been trying to figure out why this bday bothers me so much. Humor aside, I've concluded that it is because 37 is a grownup. When you're a grownup, your life is supposed to look a certain way. Married, children, a house, a yard, a job, money in the bank, wisdom, patience, no more insecurities, no more fighting in relationships, partway to retirement, well traveled, well read...

I just don't feel that my life is where I expected it to be. I still don't feel like a grownup.

Sounds funny, doesn't it. I have a job, a mortgage, I've single handedly raised two wonderful daughters. I'm a little wise, I've traveled enough, and boy am I well read (that's about all I do these days!):) So why don't I feel like a grownup yet? Do 70 year olds not feel like grownups yet? Is there a day when suddenly you wake up and think, ok, that's it, I'm now a grownup? Is there a day when you wake up and your relationships with your children, your sig other, your friends, your siblings, come completely easily and there are no more issues? Why is this what I expect out of my version of a grownup? Maybe I'll never get there.

I Tried It Out

Today someone asked me how old I was and I said "37" to see how it would feel. They didn't look at me like I was really old, or ask if they could assist me to my car since I looked so frail, or look around for a chair for me to sit in, so I guess it will be okay to tell people that I'm 37 for the next year, too. The closer it gets, the easier it's getting. I have this theory about songs that are "your" songs with someone you used to date, and how to get over feeling like crap every time the song comes on in the future. You listen to it a lot, over and over and over again, until you're immune to it. The first time you hear it you cry, the second time, you tear up, the seventeenth, you're just sort of sick of it. (Am I the only 37 year old with breakup advice? I sure hope not). Anyway, this relates to the birthday thing because I'll just say it every morning for the next 8 days..."I'm 37, I'm 37," and soon it won't phase me at all, right?!