Not Easier

Okay, so the "big day" is tomorrow, and no, it's not easier to turn 37 yet. By tomorrow, I would like to imagine that it will be- because it's inevitable.

I've been trying to figure out why this bday bothers me so much. Humor aside, I've concluded that it is because 37 is a grownup. When you're a grownup, your life is supposed to look a certain way. Married, children, a house, a yard, a job, money in the bank, wisdom, patience, no more insecurities, no more fighting in relationships, partway to retirement, well traveled, well read...

I just don't feel that my life is where I expected it to be. I still don't feel like a grownup.

Sounds funny, doesn't it. I have a job, a mortgage, I've single handedly raised two wonderful daughters. I'm a little wise, I've traveled enough, and boy am I well read (that's about all I do these days!):) So why don't I feel like a grownup yet? Do 70 year olds not feel like grownups yet? Is there a day when suddenly you wake up and think, ok, that's it, I'm now a grownup? Is there a day when you wake up and your relationships with your children, your sig other, your friends, your siblings, come completely easily and there are no more issues? Why is this what I expect out of my version of a grownup? Maybe I'll never get there.