Settling In

I'm living in California now. It's been 19 days. Here's how one knows that Kirsten lives somewhere:

(You can't see the whole thing in the picture and I have another level of shelving on the way...I have a lot of books waiting to live in their new home still!). I've been studying for the California bar exam and really have not liked it much. Today, I decided to notice things that I DO like about studying for the exam. Here they are:

1. It's nice to be out the door with hardly any fuss. Jeans, tshirts, a little mascara. I'll just start twisting my hair the moment I start concentrating anyway, so why bother prettifying it?
2. I can mix up my study spots. The Belmont library, the office at home, the bed... today I realized on a sunny day, I can even study outside in January here!
3. The mints they leave on the tables at the hotel where the bar review course is held are tasty.
4. I don't get unexpected "emergency" calls that have to be dealt with pronto at work.
5. If I pass this thing, I'll feel pretty smart.

Looking at the positives is way better than stressing out and hating the process! Since I have to do it anyway, I'll look for positives each day. Wish me luck!

Fear

I keep waking up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and I find myself doing strange things. Like baking. Making a grocery list. Organizing a closet. For those who know me- I'm no baker. Or cook. (I am, however, an excellent closet organizer).

The last time I remember doing these middle-of-the-night activities is when I was studying for the bar exam in Michigan, no job in sight, kids to support, and fearing failure.

Now, I'm moving to California, getting married, and...you guessed it...taking another bar exam.

I'm scared.

The only benefit I see from all of this fear is those who get to eat my baking, my cooking, and see my nice clean closets.

A Time of Change

2010-2011 is a time of change.

• I am moving.


• I am becoming a student again and taking a new bar exam.


• I am leaving a law firm that I love.


• I am getting married.


• I am leaving my friends and chickens behind (at least for a time).

At times, all of this change is scary. At other times, it is exciting. In any case, change is coming!

On Births, Parties, and Late Nights Alone

My daughter turned 21 last weekend. We planned a party, and, as usual, I went a little overboard- you know, flowers, too many snacks- the sort of thing that only the party host notices. The party was SO much fun, and about 1 a.m. we dropped the new "adult" and her friends off in East Lansing to finish their night without Mom.

I walked in to the dark house - what a mess!- and sat on the sofa. Alone. I had placed baby photos around for the party, and I started remembering the day that Morgan was born...almost exactly 21 years earlier to the hour (Morg was born at 3:11 a.m.). I started to feel very lonely. I stared at the flowers that I had arranged two nights before (more because I like them than because they were a necessary party decor), and my heart began to sink. I tried calling a friend, but he did not pick up. Tears came to my eyes as I realized how alone I am sometimes...how alone we all feel in the world sometimes...especially when it comes to the wee hours of the morning, after the party ends.

Then Morgan called. Almost exactly 21 years to the minute since she was born, she called to tell me thank you for making her birthday so special. Her call meant the world to me, and it reminded me that even when we feel alone, people who love us are only a phone call away.

Re-Do

Have you ever looked back at your day and determined that you could (should) have done about 30 things differently? From the way you handled a meeting, to the tone of an email, to the tone of being a mom? That's me today. I'd like a re-do.

Faith

Life can be crystal clear at 2 a.m. Sometimes, in the early morning hours, far away from home, one remembers that the only way to control the future is to let go and to have a little faith.

The Big Three-Nine

I turned 39 years old today, and it is only fitting that I post to this blog, which I started two years ago when I feared turning 37. This birthday was so much easier than 37. I just don't do well with those 7's!

Today was a perfect day. I spent time with my chickens, saw some old friends (nevermind that they are on tv/movies and are not actually my friends...), enjoyed a very long liesurely bike ride, and did some shopping.

I am content.