The Big Three-Seven

The Hardest Hour in Recent Memory

2011-06-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

At 6 p.m. on Friday, May 13, 2011, results of the California bar exam were posted on the state bar website. I'd taken the February exam, felt I did very poorly, and had been anxious and worried about it since the moment I walked out of the examination room. (This picture was taken the night before the exam started. You can tell it was not after the first day of the exam since I had an actual smile on my face instead of a look of utter panic).

My anxiety mounted as May 13 approached. The morning that results were posted, I vowed to keep myself busy and mentally occupied so that I did not have time to think about results. Instead, I ended up getting nothing done, and driving up and down the same street three times before giving up and going home. The hour before results were posted, I sat at my screen and refreshed the state bar website every single minute, watching the little countdown "sixteen minutes until results are posted." My sister-in-law, Sue, counted down with me and kept me relatively sane for that hour. Greg was stuck in court and could not be with me at the pivotal moment, when I went online and look at my results. I don't even remember exactly what they said, but because they were an entire sentence long; i.e., "this person's name appears on the examination pass list" I was sure that I did not pass- I figured if I had passed, it would read "PASSED." Only after re-reading the sentence several times did I realize I had passed, and even then I did not believe it until Sue logged onto the website as me and agreed that I had, in fact, passed.

Whew. What a relief to have that done and over with!! Now, on to bigger and better things...like getting married!

Bar Exam Blues

2011-05-09T18:34:00.001-07:00

Bar exam results come out this Friday. Friday, May 13, that is. Do you suppose that means I will have good luck? I learned that the California Bar Examiners posted the questions from my February exam... should probably not have looked at them. I only have a vague recall of what I put for an answer on each of the questions anyway, so looking at them again simply made me feel worse about my performance rather than more confident.

The whole world will know if I passed, because they will all hear my scream of happiness! If I don't, I may be quiet for a while, before I regroup and move forward. At least I know one thing- I always do regroup and move forward. Sometimes it just takes a bit of down time first.

On Transitions, Kitchens, and Making A New Life

2011-04-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

I've lived in California for almost four months. (I shouldn't count the first two months, which consisted of staying inside and studying for the bar exam. Results [gulp ... I'm not confident about my performance on this exam- its been a lot of years since I've had to take an exam!- and I think it would really stink to have to retake this exam ... gulp gulp gulp] come out on Friday the 13th. Gulp again). It has been a much bigger transition than I imagined. I'm still adjusting. I miss my chickens. I miss my friends, my job, my home. I miss having a life of my own. I miss knowing how to find a local Target without ending up on a never-ending bridge and paying a toll to get back across said bridge.

I'll be home for a visit soon.

A Sorry Little Student

2011-02-16T15:57:00.000-08:00

In college and law school, I was generally a "B" student. I was pretty darned happy with my Bs, since I had two small children and didn't have (or take) much time to study. Yet, then and now I have had this back-of-my-mind guilt; a feeling that if I had tried a little harder, I'd have had straight As.

Fast forward about fifteen years. I've moved to California, given up my job (in a state that I am already licensed to practice law), and am sitting for the California bar exam. Turns out, I'd give an elbow for some guaranteed Bs right now. I have exactly no (let me repeat, "no") memory of the basic legal concepts I learned so long ago (or, more accurately, the basics are so inherent in my head now that I cannot explain "why" I know, for example, that evidence will be excluded- I just know it will. And this exam is all essays. In which I have to remember to explain those basics or I fail. As exhibited by the number of practice tests I've failed). I'm taking a bar review course with recent graduates- and it's kicking my tail. Because I haven't seen much of the material in so many years, I feel like I am cramming for a final exam to cover three years of school in six weeks.

I've no more mental energy. Which is a shame, since my big exam is exactly a week away. I'm exhausted, I don't feel well, I'm not feeling strong even in areas I regularly practiced (such as the rules of evidence), and if I see a single other California distinction, I may actually scream.

Loudly.

Settling In

2011-01-20T18:23:00.001-08:00

I'm living in California now. It's been 19 days. Here's how one knows that Kirsten lives somewhere:

(You can't see the whole thing in the picture and I have another level of shelving on the way...I have a lot of books waiting to live in their new home still!). I've been studying for the California bar exam and really have not liked it much. Today, I decided to notice things that I DO like about studying for the exam. Here they are:

It's nice to be out the door with hardly any fuss. Jeans, tshirts, a little mascara. I'll just start twisting my hair the moment I start concentrating anyway, so why bother prettifying it?
I can mix up my study spots. The Belmont library, the office at home, the bed... today I realized on a sunny day, I can even study outside in January here!
The mints they leave on the tables at the hotel where the bar review course is held are tasty.
I don't get unexpected "emergency" calls that have to be dealt with pronto at work.
If I pass this thing, I'll feel pretty smart.

Looking at the positives is way better than stressing out and hating the process! Since I have to do it anyway, I'll look for positives each day. Wish me luck!

Fear

2010-12-26T18:47:00.000-08:00

I keep waking up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and I find myself doing strange things. Like baking. Making a grocery list. Organizing a closet. For those who know me- I'm no baker. Or cook. (I am, however, an excellent closet organizer).

The last time I remember doing these middle-of-the-night activities is when I was studying for the bar exam in Michigan, no job in sight, kids to support, and fearing failure.

Now, I'm moving to California, getting married, and...you guessed it...taking another bar exam.

I'm scared.

The only benefit I see from all of this fear is those who get to eat my baking, my cooking, and see my nice clean closets.

A Time of Change

2010-11-28T08:09:00.000-08:00

2010-2011 is a time of change.

I am moving.

I am becoming a student again and taking a new bar exam.

I am leaving a law firm that I love.

I am getting married.

I am leaving my friends and chickens behind (at least for a time).

At times, all of this change is scary. At other times, it is exciting. In any case, change is coming!

On Births, Parties, and Late Nights Alone

2010-08-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

My daughter turned 21 last weekend. We planned a party, and, as usual, I went a little overboard- you know, flowers, too many snacks- the sort of thing that only the party host notices. The party was SO much fun, and about 1 a.m. we dropped the new "adult" and her friends off in East Lansing to finish their night without Mom.

I walked in to the dark house - what a mess!- and sat on the sofa. Alone. I had placed baby photos around for the party, and I started remembering the day that Morgan was born...almost exactly 21 years earlier to the hour (Morg was born at 3:11 a.m.). I started to feel very lonely. I stared at the flowers that I had arranged two nights before (more because I like them than because they were a necessary party decor), and my heart began to sink. I tried calling a friend, but he did not pick up. Tears came to my eyes as I realized how alone I am sometimes...how alone we all feel in the world sometimes...especially when it comes to the wee hours of the morning, after the party ends.

Then Morgan called. Almost exactly 21 years to the minute since she was born, she called to tell me thank you for making her birthday so special. Her call meant the world to me, and it reminded me that even when we feel alone, people who love us are only a phone call away.

Re-Do

2010-08-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever looked back at your day and determined that you could (should) have done about 30 things differently? From the way you handled a meeting, to the tone of an email, to the tone of being a mom? That's me today. I'd like a re-do.

Faith

2010-08-15T16:09:00.000-07:00

Life can be crystal clear at 2 a.m. Sometimes, in the early morning hours, far away from home, one remembers that the only way to control the future is to let go and to have a little faith.

The Big Three-Nine

2010-05-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

I turned 39 years old today, and it is only fitting that I post to this blog, which I started two years ago when I feared turning 37. This birthday was so much easier than 37. I just don't do well with those 7's!

Today was a perfect day. I spent time with my chickens, saw some old friends (nevermind that they are on tv/movies and are not actually my friends...), enjoyed a very long liesurely bike ride, and did some shopping.

I am content.

The Rocking Chair

2010-05-17T14:49:00.000-07:00

An empty rocking chair sits in my room. It is an antique- not at all my usual decor- but I have rocked in it for many years while visiting at my friend Lisa's house. When Lisa and her family recently moved, the rocking chair came to live with me. I think it likes it here. It hasn't complained.

Anxiety and Me

2010-04-13T08:47:00.001-07:00

I'm anxious today. I don't like it, and would love tips from the rest of you on how to stop feeling it. Argh!

Fun Traditions

2010-04-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

At the end of this month I will head to New Orleans to attend Jazzfest, a multi-stage music festival, for the third consecutive year. I can't wait. I look forward to the event not because I love music (which I do), and not because New Orleans is much warmer than home (which it is). Instead, I look forward to having full days listening to music and sitting in the sun with good friends. Friends are the key. I love the idea of an annual tradition that brings together folks from all over the country who don't have time to regularly schedule visits, and I'm glad that the folks who have been doing this for many more years than I said "the more the merrier!" a few years back and invited an interloper. I can't wait for the fun this year!

The Sea

2010-03-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

There is a certain melancholy to the sea. Yet at the same time, a joy. This past week I did a fair bit of staring at the ocean, thinking about the way that the vast amount of saltwater seems from afar so soft, cozy, almost inviting. The waves seem soft and kind. But when I am immersed and can no longer touch bottom, instead of calm, I feel panic and worry that the sea could swallow me. I stay safely close to shore.

Metaphor for my life?

Cinderella and Her Happy Ending

2010-02-28T18:30:00.001-08:00

When I was small, I read a hardcover Disney-version Cinderella book so many times the edges frayed. I loved the book not because of the "happily ever after" ending, but because I just l-o-v-e-d the dress that Cinderella wore to the ball! I can't remember, as a child, believing in romantic fairy tale endings, nor do I tend to believe in them now. Even when I see them as a grown up (Jamee and Andres!), I still don't believe.

What I do believe in these days is the concept of a relationship as a partnership. I believe in relationships where each partner takes turns giving, taking, and at the end of the day no one is happy 100 percent of the time (like Cinderella and her prince), but no one is unhappy 100 percent of the time. I admire those couples in my life who seem to be able to accomplish this type of partnership, and when I see it, I ask how it is done. This is what I aspire to. I don't need happily-ever-after; I want and need something much more simple: a partner.

Maybe that is the real happily-ever-after.

Me

2010-01-16T18:25:00.000-08:00

When my girls were much younger, I started a book for them. It was a "fill in the blanks" sort of book that I picked up somewhere, with questions like "what is your favorite song," "what toys did you like as a child" and such. I filled it all out and it is lovely- it contains silly facts about me that I would want my girls to know if I were no longer around for them to ask.

In fact, lately I've been thinking a lot about that sort of thing. I don't know what my grandmother's favorite color was. Or how my grandfather felt when he learned that WWII was over. I want my children to know silly facts about me, like knowing that one of my favorite, happiest random events is when I see a flock of black starlings. No matter when or where I see them, I go back in my mind to a fall day, walking in a Utah field at sunset, and I feel peace. I want my girls to know that one of my all time favorite songs is Ask by the Smiths, but over the past years the songs I related to most were Driftwood by Travis and Broken Girl by She Wants Revenge. I want my chickens to know that each and every day when I drive through the farms at Michigan State University to go to work I am grateful to live in a place that allows a "country drive" in the city.

I want them to know that I saw Rent in New York City several times before actually seeing the second half and I refused to let anyone tell me the ending until I saw it in person. That I love my natural hair color and am scared for the day it will gray and I have to decide whether to dye it or grow old gracefully. That when I am upset I get in my car and drive, music on, just like I remember my mother doing as a child. That I did not realize how lucky I am to have so many siblings until I grew up. That I was too afraid to stay at Aunt Grace's house as a child because she had a bear head hanging on the wall right above the bunk bed and I had to sleep on the top bunk. That my favorite color was always, and still is, red. That I used to have to pretend to be an actress (Ashley Judd, to be specific, back in the day) playing a lawyer when I went to court and sometimes still, if I am nervous, I play that game.

I am terribly, terribly sentimental, aren't I.

New Things

2010-01-15T13:15:00.000-08:00

This is the year to try new things. Believe it or not, I've never gone to the auto show here in Detroit. To be fair, the idea of going downton on a Sunday, fighting crowds, wandering in the cold- all to see cars just really wasn't appealing. However, tonight I'll be heading down to the charity preview. I'll let inquiring minds know what I think of it!

Today

2010-01-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

I miss my mom today.

I actually miss my mom a lot of days, but just now - while in my office - for some reason it hit me that by living so far away from home for the past thirteen years, I've missed a lot of important time with my mom. I've missed important time with my entire family, actually. I don't get to attend school concerts, birthday lunches, soccer games, births, baptisms, and the like unless I make a special trip. And I never, never thought I would say this (as in, never....), but I am sort of tired of traveling right now. It's exhausting. Maybe I'm just getting old...

What was life like, years ago, when families lived their entire lives near each other? Or worse, when families would travel west (for example) and have unreliable U.S. post as the only method of communication? We are so lucky to have telephone, e-mail, regular mail, skype...you name it, there is an instant method of communication so that we can stay in touch with loved ones far and near (Morgan and I often skype, and she lives about fifteen minutes from home).

Maybe I'll plan a trip home.

I'm Thirty-Eight

2010-01-13T15:38:00.000-08:00

I am thirty-eight years old, yet at times I still feel seventeen. Not just sometimes- a LOT of the time. At least, when it comes to certain situations. Maybe we don't really change that much as adults.

Or, do you suppose that life has ways to make us grow and learn, which is what makes us feel older? Ugh, I do not know...

Life Moves Fast...

2010-01-11T12:41:00.001-08:00

Life moves fast. If you don't stop and look around every once in a while, you may miss it. Or something like that (says Ferris Bueller).

I've had a very interesting, if somewhat confusing, weekend. In my last post, I noted that I was a "go from the gut" kind of girl, but that lately I've learned that using my head may be the way forward. Turns out, though, I don't do such a good job of relying on my intellect in making decisions. My intuition is far more important to my decision-making process.

So, for now, I'll keep being who I am: I'll go with my gut. Which means that I will continue to take Ferris Bueller's advice, and stop to look around at life every once in a while for fear I may miss it.

Life Decisions

2010-01-04T19:37:00.000-08:00

Here I am, 38 years old, and I am still stymied by certain decisions. I have grown so used to "going from the gut" without a lot of rational thought, that I can't seem to reconcile rational thought vs. instinct. How to balance the two? Do I just return to my former trusting-of-the-gut, or do I rely on my head?

Stay tuned.

Christmas Eve in Okemos

2009-12-24T21:04:00.000-08:00

The girls and I are spending Christmas at home this year. We love our family of course, but we decided to relax and skip the travel this go-round. Instead, we spent today together, hanging out, and this evening we went to a movie (hence the pic in our handy dandy 3D glasses!) It was a great day and I am so glad that we are our own little family in Okemos.

Holidays 2009

2009-12-17T16:13:00.001-08:00

I am sitting in the nest with Ash and Izzy. For those who don't know, the nest is our sofa. The Christmas tree lights are shining, holiday treats are baking (SIX dozen cookies and cupcakes- for the first time, I've used the double oven!) Holiday music is playing that I've had since BYU days when the girls were tiny. I remember decorating the tree to this music when the entire family was asleep some early morning at BYU. It was so satisfying to have the girls wake up and see the tree with tiny red ribbons tied on almost every branch. Those were the days of Santa, before reality set in. I can't wait for tomorrow- baking day with the girls and their friends.

Cold

2009-12-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

I was very cold last night. So cold, in fact, that I was pretty sure that my furnace must not be working properly...but I was too cold to walk downstairs to check.

This morning, on the way to work, I fiddled with my car heater at least five times, getting a wee bit panicky- wondering if my car heater was broken, too.

Finally, upon arrival at the office, I turned on my space heater. All the way. I was still freezing.

Only then did it dawn on me that it is not my devices that are broken- I live in a very cold place!!!

Gratitude

2009-11-19T16:50:00.001-08:00

It is November, the time of year to count blessings. I am grateful because:

I am meeting all sorts of great new people lately;
I feel creative;
My chickens and I can stay in touch on skype every night;
I love my new garden;
I find that living alone is so peaceful;
I found an old childhood show Monica and I loved on YouTube last night and watched the entire thing. It includes Kermit the Frog and a princess under a spell. I am 38;
I am seldom without a cozy fireplace these days;
She Wants Revenge came out with four new songs; and
I have a good job, a great home, and a fantastic, caring, wonderful family.

I am grateful!

Young Moms

2009-11-13T21:10:00.001-08:00

A friend recently forwarded the following thoughts which blew my mind: he's obviously not a single mom but he's so totally on-track in so many areas of how I view myself. I wanted to share his thoughts, so here goes. Comment and tell me what you think!

"One of the most welcome surprises I've encountered since entering the "dating scene" has been the surprise phenomenon of the recently liberated mom who "started young" and "finished early" ... and how graciously she has often emerged from the parenting process both physically and personally. Having emptied her nest in her mid- to late 30s, she exhibits scarcely noticeable signs of wear, compared with women who undertook parenting at a later, perhaps more "conventional" age; she has, indeed, turned a daunting challenge into a bit of an advantage, re-entering "me time" mode while she's still youthful and energetic enough to truly enjoy it ... and at age when other women have not yet even begun to forsake it.Despite the likelihood of having faced stigma and anxiety at the outset, "Early Mom" often seems far less "drained" by motherhood than older moms; her personality is often more positive and upbeat. She can take pride in having measured up to a challenge that others might have immaturely shirked, and she's wiser for the effort ... wise enough to appreciate what others her age still take for granted; counterintuitively, she often seems to have raised her kids with fewer "issues" than have parents who started out with better-arrayed resources. In fact, she has benefited from being closer in age to her kids; this reduced the generational gap between them, perhaps helping her to relate to them more easily during their teens, while they, in turn, kept her in touch with contemporary culture and humor. As a result, she's still hip to current styles and trends, while being wise enough to see through the fads of fashion; often, she has coalesced a maturely personal sense of style long before becoming too tired or indifferent to change. In many ways, Early Mom's early start, which might have initially presented her with a daunting, unsought challenge,. ultimately looks a bit like a blessing in disguise, having rewarded her with the wisdom, experience, and sense of accomplishment that enables her to properly appreciate the youth she still enjoys. Others have wasted it foolishly, perhaps damaging themselves in the process ... but it's her day in the sun now, and she's *feeling it*. :-)It bothers me that Early Mom might still feel embarrassed about her early start, knowing that people can be hastily judgmental and make many false assumptions; on the contrary, I want to HIGH-FIVE her, for *earning my respect* by having chosen, under perhaps challenging circumstances, to (wo)man up and handle the heaviest responsibility a person can take on. She could have dodged that challenge, but she did the right thing, and she knows it; she has that self-respect; and that is something that is undeniably *hot* in the eyes of a guy who is looking for an equal, rather than a mere accessory... Ultimately, she occupies a rare "sweet spot" of qualities that make a woman someone I want to be around. She tends to defy expectations and have a unique perspective; she is a woman who "gets it", who is over the silly stuff and past the jitters; she still appreciates pure, unadulterated "fun", but does it with tact and discretion; she's a woman who can handle serious talk, but is still young enough not to take *herself* too seriously.And, in the happiest circumstance, she's a gal who hasn't yet thrown in the towel in terms of taking care of herself; she's still "got it", and she knows it ... she senses that she's in her prime *now*, and she's *feeling it* ... and she'd be right. Big ups to Early Mom ... for being the silver lining among the puffy cloud formations of the over-35 dating scene. You go, Ms. Girl ..."

Trainspotting

2009-10-26T16:36:00.001-07:00

A friend recommended the movie Trainspotting about ten years ago. I finally saw it. And I am still affected by it. The movie, set in Edinburgh/Glasgow, is about a group of herione addicts and has great music and an odd storyline. That is not why I am affected, though. At the end of the movie, the main character, who throughout the film is alternately an addict and clean, ends up coming into money and walks off into the night explaining that he is now going to be "just like you." He recites the things that he will have: a TV, a car, a washer/dryer, a retirement account, children, a mortgage.

How is it that these are the things that we, as adults, aspire to in life?

When, exactly, did the dreaming end? At what phase of life? Where did my goal of joining the Peace Corp go, to be replaced by practicality, by frugality, by actuality? What about my dream of living abroad? Of taking my children with me, and finding a way?

I just cannot get the end of that movie out of my head.

Favorites

2009-10-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

As I drove home from work today, I thought about my home. I thought about all of the things in it, and wondered what is the most important to me. I determined that the most important items are my books, and my photographs. I wonder if most people feel the same way.

Excellent Reasoning

2009-10-19T15:39:00.000-07:00

"The other day, I was babysitting 6 year old twins. One of them was telling me how she recently became a vegetarian. I curiously asked her why, since no one else in her family was opposed to eating meat. She calmly and seriously replied 'because when animals take over the world in the future, I don't want them to eat me.' Best reason I've ever heard."

-mylifeisaverage.com

Age 38

2009-10-18T17:05:00.000-07:00

At age 38, I have learned that some very small words can cut a much sharper hole than I could have imagined.

I have learned that a person may be wise in certain areas of life, but perhaps not so wise in others. (It could be wise to know the difference and to listen to those with more wisdom in their areas of expertise).

I have learned that a 5 hour drive does not always clear your head, and that sometimes a 360 degree panaromic view of water from your hotel window can be very, very sad.

Another Blog!

2009-10-13T18:13:00.001-07:00

I have another (work-oriented) blog: kmcnelly.wordpress.com. Check it out!

Growing Up

2009-10-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if growing older means taking more risks, or fewer. Maybe it depends on the subject. Does growing up mean growing colder? Do life's experiences tempt us to put up shields?

Does growing older make us more bold, or less? I've been questioning myself. I have been trying the "if you do the same old thing, you get the same result" and have been trying to get outside my comfort zone in certain areas. At this moment, though, I kind of want to be more comfortable again. I'm doing things differently, but suddenly feeling the same results after all.

I guess I'll keep at it.

Life and Loss

2009-10-01T18:34:00.000-07:00

When walking the halls at the University of Michigan Health Center as a patient a few years ago, I happened to glance at the wall. An old photograph (presumably, based on their white coats, of medical students from the year 1900 or so) startled me and I stopped to examine. A particular pair of eyes in the photograph, for some reason, seemed to stare right at me, talking to me through the years. I was struck by the concept that if I had met him in person walking down that hall, we would smile, say hello, and go about our day without a second thought. Instead, this person lived 100 years earlier.

Eventually I continued down the hall, but the image stuck with me. I considered this: the person in that photo, who was every bit as real as I am now, experienced the very same things that I experience today. Happiness. Sorrow. Excitement. Frustration. Love. Loss.

Life.

Why do we think that our lives are so unique? Why do we allow ourselves to feel so alone (which we all do, in some way or another) when in fact so many others have felt exactly as we feel today, regardless of what that feeling is? The basic human experience is the same. Yet, somehow, that knowledge fails to give comfort in times of sadness.

Today marks the three year anniversary of a friend/mentor's death. It feels impossible and it still feels wrong. It's still very sad. I am sure his children, parents, nieces, and siblings feel alone. And nope- it really doesn't help to think about all of the people over the course of the world who have lost people they cared about. It doesn't help to wonder what those eyes staring at me on the U of M wall experienced in his life, whether he lost friends. At the end of the day,
we are born alone, we die alone, and there are times along the way that we just feel alone.

Interesting Facts For The Day

2009-09-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

I learned some things today which may be surprising:

A) I like riding on the back of a Harley Davidson "Fat Boy" on Michigan back roads in early fall;

B) Motorcycle riders use a sign language (of sorts) to communicate and say "hello fellow motorcycler, nice to see you, hope you are having a nice motorcycle ride;"

C) It is wise to keep a spare ponytail on hand while motorcycling about in case the one on your head gets lost;

D) Turning corners on a motorcycle is all about leaning; and

E) Per today's analysis, Eaton Rapids has the cutest downtown (if you don't count the historic Mason courthouse with the cannon out front, donated from Cuba in 1900, because the courthouse feature gives Mason an unfair advantage).

That's right- you are reading correctly- I went for a longish motorcycle ride today. I'd call it a bike ride, which may be the correct technical parlance, but then my chickens would think that I rode my purple non-motorized bicycle (named Trixie) to all of those places and everyone knows I am not in good enough shape to do such a thing as the last time I rode my bicycle to Lisa's house in East Lansing her sister had to drive me (and Trixie) home.

I LOVED the motorcycle ride. It was just like riding Trixie but without the strenuous peddling that goes along with Trixie adventures. Being on a motorcycle (as the passenger) was actually quite similar to riding on a waverunner (which I LOVE) but without the joy of knowing that if you fall off you will, at worst, do an uncomfortable belly flop. I was told that people do not fall off of the back of motorcycles, however, like they sometimes do off of the back of waverunners.

Something I've been paying more attention to as I get older: the things that we have dismissed out-of-hand when we were younger (like joining a motorcycle gang) may have been made upon false assumptions and, perhaps, the judgment of others which in turn influenced us. It makes sense to try new things as we are older, because we just might find that they are fantastic.

No Mom, I am not actually going to join a motorcycle gang. Yet. :)

Scarlett

2009-09-26T18:29:00.001-07:00

Tonight I had dinner with Scarlett. She is five. She asked me "are you married?" I said no. She then asked "did your husband have enough of you and marry someone else?" Scarlett's mother and I had to cover our mouths to keep her from seeing our laughter (because she was seriously asking!). Her mom then talked about divorce, and Scarlett said "oooooooh. So you have a party and say goodbye to each other?"

If only life were that simple! :)

The Grandpuppy

2009-09-26T17:26:00.000-07:00

This is the puppy that Morgan hid under her bed for days.

He's cute, isn't he?

On My Need To Explore

2009-09-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

Look closely at this picture, and you will see L'Tour Eiffel in the background (that's about the extent of my psuedo-French. Ash had to translate for me while in Paris, except for crepe ordering, which I was able to master. Oh, a crepe with sacre et buerre sounds LOVELY right now. As a side note, it is hard to be a non-French speaking vegetarian in Paris. I ended up with a fair amount of fromage). The other picture is in Scotland (boy was it cold that day). I love exploring and wandering, even though I get lost and cannot find my way back to my hotel. Walking around and exploring new places is one of my favorite things to do.

My brother and my sisters also have the need to travel and explore. I assume that this stems from the fact that we moved back and forth from Virginia to Arizona every year as kids? Who knows. All I know is, I feel odd when I do not have a suitcase partially packed. It is part of my inside nature. I think thati s why I am able to live far from home but still see my family regularly- getting on a plane, even on short notice, is second nature to me and I have a system down pat- right down to the airport parking areas which make it easiest to go to and fro.

I was in Salt Lake City last weekend. San Francisco not long ago. I feel like I traveled all summer, but at the end of the day I really just went to Chicago about 18,000 times for various reasons. I was in New Orleans in May. Hmmm. Do I need an overseas trip now? What will be next?

On Being An Orphan At Age 62

2009-09-24T16:23:00.000-07:00

My mom was the youngest in her family of five kids, and the only girl. Needless to say, she was spoiled. Adored. Loved. Given sparkly red shoes, even when her father couldn't afford them. When visiting her family in southern Arizona as a little girl myself, I remember my mom being the center of attention, still, as the family "baby." This, despite the fact that she had been long married with babies of her own. As my cousin announced at her brother (my Uncle Jim)'s funeral a few years ago: to Jim, my mom was perfect.

Her brother Neal died when he was seven- long before my mom was born. Her brother Merlin died of cancer a few years ago. Then, Uncle Jim. Not long ago, Jim's wife, Aunt Edna, passed away too. This week, her last living sibling, Uncle Tom, passed away. His funeral is tomorrow.

My mom told me today that she feels like an orphan. She is 62.

I can scarcely imagine her loneliness. I can't stand imagining the pain of my cousins.

I once deposed a man who was in his 90s. I questioned him about his daily activities; friends who stop by, things he does to stay busy. He told me that when you are 90 you have to start crossing names out of your address book, one by one, as your friends pass away. And then he sang me a song. "Blue Skies," I think.

I visited Dave's grave tonight, and placed a week-long candle to mark the three year anniversary of his death. While there, I laid on the grass and talked to him a bit. I gave him crap for his fast driving (someone's gotta chastize him), talked to him about work, and thanked him for making sure that I always took the Arizona depositons so that I could see my family. At the end of the day, folks, that's what we have. Our family. Our moms, dads, brothers and sisters. Our children. Our closest friends (who are the family we choose).

I love you Mom, and you will never be an orphan. You still have us, and we will never let you be alone.

Groceries For One

2009-09-14T17:58:00.000-07:00

For the first time that I recall, I bought groceries for one.

It felt lonely and strange.

A lot feels lonely and strange all of a sudden.

Love You Forever

2009-09-08T21:43:00.001-07:00

My girls will always know me for the following four sentences:

I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be

These lines come from one of the best books ever written (really). As you know from my previous blog, I like to read, and I read a lot. Hands down, this book is head and shoulders above. I won't give away the story, but you should read the book. My girls loved making me read it to them when they were small (and big) because there was (and still is) not a single time that I could get through without crying. The story is simple. It is profound. And it is wise to re-read it every once in a while to remind oneself that life is short, children grow, our parents age, and life will never be as precious and important as the very moment we are in, right now.

And So It Goes

2009-09-08T20:25:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, I was asked about my hobbies. Keep in mind, I was a single mother of two, held a demanding full time job, and I barely found time for sleep- let alone hobbies. When asked about hobbies, I acutely remember that I thought for a moment, stalled for time, hemmed and hawed, and couldn't come up with an answer for what seemed like an awfully long while. Finally, I shyly admitted that the only thing I have consistently spent significant time doing since I was a small child is the very hobby that used to cause other kids to think I was a dork: reading.

I love, love, love to read. I used to walk home from middle school while literally reading a book when I walked (and yet other kids walked with me. How nice of them!). My mother used to limit me to 10 library books at a time. Words, I have come to think, are the most meaningful yet fleeting thing in my life. When my girls were in high school, I realized that I had not read all of the "classics" that they would be reading, so I went to my library, found the classic book section, and read them- book by book by book. I've read so many of them, the only ones left to read look too boring to even pick up. I tried to tell my children that classic books are called classic books for a reason...because they are that good! Of course, they did not go for it and do not like to read the way that I do.

Why this post? I guess because it is time to face it: I'm a reader. That's my hobby. Always will be. Sorry, middle school friends who considered me a dork. Sorry, folks who want me to do things like love sports or knitting or watching TV or skiing. Everything has its place, but for me, reading is now and always will be my hobby.

Getting Over My Hill Phobia

2009-09-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

My name is Kirsten, and I have a longstanding hill phobia. You may be thinking that I should choose my phobias more wisely, limiting them to, say, nuclear war - or even spiders. But, since I was a kid I have really, really disliked hills. I would not roller skate on them. I did not like to ski down them. Driving on them- well, that creeped me out beyond belief.

That said, you can imagine my secret worry during a recent trip to visit a friend in San Francisco. The Bay Area (as it seems to be called by Those In The Know), it turns out, is awash with hills. Steep hills. That one has to walk down and drive up. I was pretty worried that I would appear like a two year old when I expressed my fear of hills, but luckily I have an understanding friend who only laughed secretly inside when I told him about it. And then he decided maybe he should try to help cure it.

Hmmmm, I thought. As we drove up and down hills. As I held on to his car seat and tried to carry a conversation which did not sound like I was focusing solely on the hills. Finally I blurted out that I hated hills. I imagined cars losing brakes and careening out of control down, down, down.....

Then he took me on a cable car ride up a very steep hill. At first I was, per protocol, freaked out and held tightly to the iron holder-onner-bar-thing. After a few minutes, I relaxed. The cable car did not roll backwards into poor pedestrians crossing the street, and chugged up the hill at a stable pace. We stopped at various intersections and I was able to look both forward and back, to see the hill above and below. And my phobia started to subside somewhat. In the end, I decided that I liked the cable car, and I really liked the beautiful church at the top of the hill.

I guess the moral to this post is: even 38 year olds can get over their fears and phobias. We all have them, whether big or small. Some of us (like me) have a fear of, say, getting hurt in relationships so we tend to put up walls that in effect create the very situation we fear. I'm working on that. Some of us have a fear of planting tomatoes for fear that they will all die instead of grow. I am not working on that. Some of us have a fear of hills.

At the end of the day- we can't ever conquer our phobias unless we get on the cable car and go up the hill. We need to just jump.

Sending My Baby Chicken To College

2009-08-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

I woke her up this morning for the first time in years. We had wanted an early start, but now that it was time, I paused.

This is my baby.

I looked into her still-dark room and was unprepared for the sight of her lying on her bed sound asleep, snuggled up to her red baby blanket. Her room was packed and ready to go. She is 18 and leaving for college, and I am the only parent taking her. I feel alone. I want to share this moment-the excitement of such a bittersweet day- with someone who loves her as much as I do, with someone who remembers her first day of pre-school, her first lost tooth, her first homecoming dance.

This is my baby.

On her dresser is a series of pictures of the two of us, taken down from the wall. The cat had nonchalantly sat on the frame and broken the glass. The photos were covered with shattered bits, which is exactly how I feel right then. So excited for her, but all I could do was wonder why, why, why I had ever rushed a single part of our lives. Why did I want the terrible twos to be over? Bike rides? Braces?

This is my baby, and I walked in to wake her, so we could face the day together.

On Being a Mom When Your Smallest Chicken Is Going to College

2009-08-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

Certain moments in a mom's life spark reflection. At first, these moments are so important that they get documented in a baby book- you know, baby's first smile, first steps, first words. As time goes on, day-to-day activities take over and only "bigger" things cause a mom to step back and take pause, like the first day of kindergarten (tears). Then sending a child to middle school. (tears, tears). High school graduation day comes along (tears, tears, tears), summer flies by, and suddenly one day you look at your calendar and realize that your smallest chicken is going to college in one week.

A week.

Oh no.

I don't think I'm ready.

I know from talking to my own mom that the strange feeling of being alone in the house (which incidentally I imagine will entail silent ghostlike wanderings down my hallways late at night) will fade within a few weeks, to be replaced by that feeling of freeeeeeeeeeedom which I had looked forward to for ages. In the meantime, I find myself reminiscing, looking at old photographs, wondering where the time has gone.

Kiss your little ones, as they won't stay little forever.

The Big Three-Eight

2009-05-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

I started this blog to document my (odd) fear of turning 37. In less than a month, I will be 38. Did being 37 suck? Sometimes. Not a lot. I've had worse years, to tell the truth. Don't tell me that all of my angst was for nothing!

With thist post, I uploaded a picture of a bulletin board in my bedroom. It's getting crowded. It documents some of my best days/nights in my 37 years. I've added to it since this picture was taken, but looking at these photos every day reminds me of the fact that I have a wonderful life, full of good friends, close family, and happy memories. Now, I need to get out there and make more! Thank goodness I will not be 37 when I make them, cause really...I cannot wait to turn 38 and be done with being 37!!!! There really is something about the "7"s that freaks me out.....

Henna Fleur- de-Lis

2009-05-03T03:39:00.000-07:00

Walking down Frenchman's Street in New Orleans, I finally found him.

Who, you may ask?

A man-an artist-who was freehanding henna tattoos. I sat down and in no time had a temporary fleur-de-lis on my back.

A conversation starter, I learned the next day.

It is hiding now under my t-shirt, but knowing it is there makes me smile.

Getting Excited

2009-02-09T13:39:00.000-08:00

I'm heading to Paris with M & A this week- getting super excited all of a sudden! Then, of course, I saw the 7.5 hour flight time over and NINE hour flight time back! Eek! What is an old person to do on such a long flight? I could have given birth three times between Paris and Detroit!

Babies

2009-01-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

I had lunch today with my friend, Erin. Erin currently works as a nanny. To our lunch, she brought Grace (5 months or so) and Jack (3).

I'm STILL tired.

Hats off to my sisters and brother, who are raising their little ones now. I have no idea how I could have raised babies if I hadn't done so when I was young! I get tired enough raising teenagers- but they don't (often) require middle of the night attention and you definitely don't get a backache carrying them to and from the car.

Kudos to all of the parents of little ones out there- and thank goodness I am not one of them anymore!

Aging

2008-12-15T13:35:00.000-08:00

Enough already! This is getting completely ridiculous. I'm not talking about the physical side of aging- I'm getting used to that and have even started a list to share with my daughters of the first things they'll notice (first, little fine lines around your lips so your lipstick starts to run. Really!). I've decided to grow old gracefully and happily. BUT-

It's the rest of it. It's the whole "grownup" thing. People die when you're a grownup. Your children don't always do exactly what you want when you're a grownup and you just have to watch them make their own mistakes. Your own parents get older when you're a grownup. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?!

blah

2008-11-28T18:18:00.001-08:00

Ok, to tell the truth: being 37 stinks.

"I Feel Like My Life is Living Me"

2008-11-12T13:50:00.001-08:00

"I feel like my life is living me." - Alma on HBO's Deadwood

I heard this quote while watching television (gasp) on a weeknight (double gasp). It hit me hard. I feel just like Alma (except for the fact that I am not fictional, I do not live in the 1800's out west, and I do not have to marry one man even though I love a different, married man because I am a widow and pregnant with said married man's child). Ok, so I don't totally relate to her. But I relate to the sentiment of feeling like my life is living me.

Why do I feel that way? The sentence calls forth a sense of lack of control. But I don't lack control in my life. In fact, I finally have a teensy bit of control: my girls are older now and for the first time in 10 years I can move away if I wanted to. That's HUGE. So, I don't feel that my life is living me because I have no control.

But, after thinking about it, I got it! I started to think about what in life I want to do but haven't. What goals do I aspire to, that I have not achieved? That is my problem. All the things that I wanted to do when I was a girl, for the most part, are done. I wanted two daughters. Got 'em. I wanted to travel. Done that. I wanted to be married- done that, too. Financial independence? Well, I don't rely on a husband to take care of me, so I've got that. A big bookshelf with all sorts of fun books on it? Got that, too!

One thing that I have wanted to do in recent years which has gone by the wayside is the Peace Corp, but that's not practical. So, I have to start thinking of some fun new goals. Things to look forward to. Things I can control and do, so that my life does not continue to live me.

Being 37 In The Fall

2008-11-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

I don't have to carve pumpkins any more, as my girls are grown.

That sentence encompasses my current life phase. I am no longer so busy with the day-to-day tasks of parenting. Morgan has moved out and is in college, and Ashley is a senior. Because Ash has a car and can get herself where she needs to go, for the first time in my adult life I find that I have extra time on my hands on a daily basis. I don't have to cook (well, I never actually cooked much, but I did think about what frozen concoction we should have for dinner), I can stay late at work or go to the gym in the evening without feeling that I need to rush home. I'm thinking of picking up a hobby!

Peace

2008-10-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

I suddenly feel a strange sense of peace. Not all the time, mind you, but peace is the overall pervasive feeling in my life right now. Maybe I'm accepting things the way they are--of course I have the usual desire to change the negative, but I'm suddenly seeing that certain things can't be changed, and certain things will change when the time is right.

I'm happy.

Updates: 37 and 4 Months

2008-10-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

A few updates now that I am 37 and 4 months:

Osteoporosis

At the ripe old age of 37 I am on daily injections for osteoporosis (for those of you who are about to say "see, I told you to stop being a vegetarian!" it is from a past medical condition and not from my previous vegan and current octo-lavo vegetarian diet.:) and they seem to be working. I have been officially cleared to (finally!) start back at the gym and I have learned that 1) I am way out of shape, and 2) it is going to take a way long time to get back into shape! But the good news is that I am back to my old ways of kickboxing and step aerobics, even if I am a bit slow and sore three times per week. (I thought about pretending to the other class members who did not quit for two years that I had a baby and that's why I stopped going, but I figured at some point I'd have to produce an actual baby, and wasn't sure how to go about that since I do not, in fact, have any babies anymore...)

Mama Mia!

I saw Mama Mia!, the movie, with my friend Erin a few weeks ago. Um...why didn't anyone ever tell me that many of Erasure's songs were actually Abba covers? I have known Abba's songs all of this time! Needless to say I got a kick out of the movie, immediately bought the sound track, and am now seeing the play where, I hear, the actors encourage singing and dancing from audience members.

Turning 38

It's official- I don't care about turning 38. It really is all about the 7's. Isn't that strange? Beware of the 7's!

That's all for now...more updates soon!

What Being 37 Means

2008-08-31T09:30:00.001-07:00

I think being 37 means being tired.

It also means giving away your cutest bikinis to your teenaged daughters because they are too "young" for you now.

I think being 37 means being more calm. But it also means staying out later on weeknights in the summer, because you know that summer is fleeting in Michigan.

Being 37, to me, means being unwilling to do things just because others want me to. But it also means that sometimes just because someone else needs or wants me to do things, I may want to.

Being 37 means noticing dark circles under my eyes and a few gray hairs now and again.

It also means not being obsessed with things like that. I'm going to grow old. Sooner rather than later. Time to accept. Thank goodness it is a slow process.

Being 37, in a nutshell, consists of doing a lot of noticing.

A Lot of Changes

2008-08-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

I've been saddened this week by the death of two friends' parents. (Dawn, my former sister in law, lost her mother to melanoma, and another friend lost her father in law suddenly).

It's made me think how shallow it was to complain about turning 37. How many people would give anything to be 37 again, with so much of life before them? How many people want years back that they'll never have again? I'm in good health, I have two beautiful, smart, happy daughters, a great career, a beautiful home, the best siblings a girl could have, and a heck of a lot of time to do things that I like to do (reading!). I can travel if I feel like it, it is summertime in Michigan (the best time of year to be here), and I have wonderful, dear friends who are like family to me. I have the best years of my life ahead of me- just think of the things I can look forward to! Grandchildren, bike rides, the frogs coming back to the frog pond, watching my many nieces and nephews grow. I am lucky to be 37.

37 And Almost One Month

2008-06-24T08:53:00.001-07:00

Update: I am getting used to being 37!!! There are actually some positives about my age. More on those next time.

For now, I want to share the following email I received from a friend. I didn't write it but was inspired by it. It puts aging--as a female-- in perspective.

Getting Old, I decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don't agonize over those things for long.I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself.

I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love .. I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silverAs you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.So,I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day.(If I feel like it)

I'm Not Gonna Lie- It Feels Different

2008-05-28T17:03:00.000-07:00

I won't lie to you. I feel different today than I did two days ago. Older. More willing to take risks. I suddenly feel like I'd better be the one in charge, because heaven knows if I don't take charge now, I never will. I had a work event tonight and I found myself shepherding the younger attorneys around, helping them know who to talk to, what to talk about. I took a risk with a presentation that I'm doing. I'm like, sheesh, I'm 37, who's gonna tell me that I shouldn't do it? That's right. As Johnny Cash would say, "Nobody." (Speaking of Johnny Cash, I had no idea that he sang "A Boy Named Sue" until Jazzfest. I even made a bet that it was someone else, but I couldn't think of who. I was wrong).

All you nay-sayers out there, who thought I'd feel just the same the day before I turned 37 and the day after: sorry. I don't. I really do feel different.

We'll see how it all plays out!

oh dear me!

2008-05-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it- I am 37, and lest you think it would be anticlimatic- guess what- IT DOES STINK!!!! :)

Not Easier

2008-05-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the "big day" is tomorrow, and no, it's not easier to turn 37 yet. By tomorrow, I would like to imagine that it will be- because it's inevitable.

I've been trying to figure out why this bday bothers me so much. Humor aside, I've concluded that it is because 37 is a grownup. When you're a grownup, your life is supposed to look a certain way. Married, children, a house, a yard, a job, money in the bank, wisdom, patience, no more insecurities, no more fighting in relationships, partway to retirement, well traveled, well read...

I just don't feel that my life is where I expected it to be. I still don't feel like a grownup.

Sounds funny, doesn't it. I have a job, a mortgage, I've single handedly raised two wonderful daughters. I'm a little wise, I've traveled enough, and boy am I well read (that's about all I do these days!):) So why don't I feel like a grownup yet? Do 70 year olds not feel like grownups yet? Is there a day when suddenly you wake up and think, ok, that's it, I'm now a grownup? Is there a day when you wake up and your relationships with your children, your sig other, your friends, your siblings, come completely easily and there are no more issues? Why is this what I expect out of my version of a grownup? Maybe I'll never get there.

I Tried It Out

2008-05-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

Today someone asked me how old I was and I said "37" to see how it would feel. They didn't look at me like I was really old, or ask if they could assist me to my car since I looked so frail, or look around for a chair for me to sit in, so I guess it will be okay to tell people that I'm 37 for the next year, too. The closer it gets, the easier it's getting. I have this theory about songs that are "your" songs with someone you used to date, and how to get over feeling like crap every time the song comes on in the future. You listen to it a lot, over and over and over again, until you're immune to it. The first time you hear it you cry, the second time, you tear up, the seventeenth, you're just sort of sick of it. (Am I the only 37 year old with breakup advice? I sure hope not). Anyway, this relates to the birthday thing because I'll just say it every morning for the next 8 days..."I'm 37, I'm 37," and soon it won't phase me at all, right?!

Philosophical Chat

2008-05-15T17:13:00.000-07:00

Why do you suppose that I wax philosophical about turning 37? Because I was a philosophy major in college? Because I still go to bookstores and drool over philosophy texts? (I do). My baby sister thinks I'm a nut, and maybe I am. So, here are some non-philosphical tidbits about me.

First, I have trouble sleeping without a "little (green) pillow. It used to be green. For a while it was gold. Now it is brown. It all started when I had a little girl, called Ashley, who refused to sleep through the night. As many parents know, the only way to get your little one to sleep through the night is to let them cry themselves to sleep. As only my ex-husband knows, I had real, real, real trouble listening to my babies cry themselves to sleep. Thus, the little (green) pillow. I would place said pillow over my ear while Ashley cried herself to sleep for two nights. I would recommend to all of my friends who are going through this. with their little babies..don't be home when your baby learns to cry herself to sleep. It is heart wrenching, and you may become addicted to having a little green pillow cover your ear as a result, like me.

Second, I wish I had never bought a house. A condo is so much simpler. With a house, you have to deal with lawn care, snow removal (hello, ME, and it got REALLY old this past winter), etc. It sucks.

Third, relationships (with men) are difficult to matter how old you are. There are always pros and cons. I am 37 and still have trouble making them work. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it is everyone. I have no freaking clue.

Fourth, find the things that you really like and do those. I am, personally, going to take a braille course. I already have started learning the letters (although not in a format that I "feel" them, just visualization). It is all about the dots!!!

Fifth, life is for living NOW. Not later, but NOW. If you are waiting for something...stop it. You do not know when you will die. You just don't. My friend is buried up the road from my house- it is highly hilarious that we are neighbors now, although he lives in a cemetery and I live in a house that requires snow removal and lawn care. The thing is- he told me time and time again that he would travel to Europe (which he really wanted to do) when it "worked out." Guess what. It never did, and he died in a car accident. SO LIVE YOUR LIFE NOW.

That's all.

At What Age, Wisdom?

2008-05-13T17:22:00.000-07:00

At what age do we become wise? I keep waiting for it to happen. Maybe 37 is the year. Of course it is a gradual process, and it can't happen in a fell swoop. But I am surprised that certain life events haven't automatically made me wise. A significant loss. A death. A divorce. A health scare. Raising teenagers. Female teenagers. Sometimes cranky female teenagers. Shouldn't those things make me wise?

Maybe it's pure experience that creates wisdom. Maybe it's innate. I feel wise in certain areas, and quite unwise in others. Here's some thoughts I think are wise: a) do a good job at work but don't become fanatical. b) change the things you don't like in your life and accept the things you can't change. c) read about things that bother you, or that you need to change. There's a lot to be learned from others. d) never, never forget to swing as high as possible with your toddlers and sing twinkle twinkle little star at the top of your lungs because those memories will stay with you even when they are cranky teenagers. e) hire out lawn care and snow removal.

It's All Relative

2008-05-12T16:21:00.001-07:00

Today I met with my mentor, Pete, who is a lawyer from another firm in town. We got to talking about getting older. He is, I would guess, about 60. He's winding down his law practice and looking forward to retiring. I told him of my fear of turning 37, and he laughed at me. He actually laughed loudly at me. Then he told me that age is relative. To him, I am a spring chicken. A youngster with a whole life ahead of me. Yet, he recalled being a teenager and thinking that he could never date someone who was 28, as that was so old to him at the time.

All this advice- but guess what. I still don't want to turn 37. Only 15 days to go. Drat.

Things I Think I Should Know

2008-05-08T17:52:00.001-07:00

I'm turning 37. By my calculations (and with my math skills, I could be wrong) I've lived over 13,140 days. There are a few things I feel that I should know by now, either by experience or just from living so many days:

1) How to cook anything other than mashed potatoes.

2) How to rest when I know I'm getting sick rather than go-go-go and then getting REALLY sick.

3) To keep a pair of flats at work for those days when I am soooooo tired of walking around in my heels.

4) That little fights, and often big fights, blow over.

5) That it's okay to take risks and not always walk the safe path. (Peace Corp?!)

6) That my parents, and grandparents, and great-grandparents, were people EXACTLY like me at one point, at age 36-going-on-37, and they likely had the same types of worries and happiness that I have.

7) That the grass is almost never greener on the other side of the fence.

8) That life always works itself out.

Some of these things I know at age 36. Some of these things I don't. Some of them I know some of the time but not all of the time (well, I never know how to cook to tell the truth). I guess I have plenty of time to get it all down.

The Big Three-Seven

2008-05-07T18:19:00.000-07:00

I don't like the 7's. Some of them, anyway. I don't remember 7. I do recall being 17- sucked for reasons I won't disclose on this blog (which may or may not have included getting the surprising news that I was to become a mother...). Ten years later, when turning 27, all I could think about is that I was almost 30 (turning 30 itself was a breeze in comparison!). This year, I'm going on 37. That's The Big Three-Seven. For those of you who haven't turned 37, let me give you a little tidbit of information: it kinda stinks.

Here's why:

I don't feel 37. I feel 23, tops. And the worst part is, I consider myself a young, hip 37. Sorta happenin, sorta cool. Then again, I bet my parents considered themselves hip at that age, and trust me- they weren't!

I don't want to turn 40. Yet, it is starting to look inevitable.

I like my 30s. I don't want to be done with them. The 30s are free spirited, they're fun, and I've really enjoyed them. What if something dreadful happens to make the 40s downright miserable?!

None of my baby sisters have to turn 40 yet. It may have been fun to get the first drivers' license, to get married first, and/or to go on a date first, but I don't think it's fair that I now have to be the one to turn 40 first. My big brother does have to go before any of the girls (next year) but I don't think he cares so it doesn't count.

This blog will include my thoughts, feelings, and fright at the idea of turning The Big Three-Seven. More to come!